Grace: More Than Just a Middle Name - It's a Survival Skill

Sometimes grief shows up before we even know it’s arrived. It stirs quietly beneath the surface...sharp, silent, and unannounced. That’s how it felt this week.

On Sunday, Neeley and her boyfriend came home for a few days. She had some appointments nearby, and since our house is closer to her doctors, it just made sense. I was excited -- any time with Neeley feels special these days, especially with her heading south for grad school in less than three weeks. Apparently, my excitement spilled over into my grocery shopping. I bought all her favorite foods and had already started dinner early. I was ready for a cozy family evening.

But John… wasn’t quite on the same page. He seemed off for no obvious reason. I remember thinking, What’s going on with him? But mostly, I just told myself to give him some space and let the day unfold. Right at that moment, Neeley walked in. I rushed over and hugged her tight. Then I leaned in and whispered, “Heads up, Dad’s in a mood. He just got back from the gym, but maybe give him a little space.”

She squeezed me back and whispered, “Well, it is almost the 19th.”

I froze.

It hadn’t even crossed my mind that the anniversary of Halle’s death was this coming Saturday. The 19th always looms around this time of year. Sometimes we feel it coming, like a storm cloud in the distance. Other times, it bubbles beneath the surface, showing up in small, strange ways before we realize what’s really going on. And each of us handles the lead-up to this day so differently.

Was that why John seemed off? Was his distance a sign of something deeper? I felt a wave of guilt for not thinking of Halle sooner. That evening turned out lovely. Dinner was full of laughter, and surprisingly, John was warm and engaged. I took a quiet breath of gratitude for that gift - a peaceful night in the middle of a hard month.

The next evening, Janine and I sat down to record the next Strength Happens podcast episode, on coping, of all things. We had a rough start. Florida storms knocked out her power and Wi-Fi for a bit. Then, just as we found our rhythm, I heard clanking in the kitchen. Pots. Pans. Cabinet doors. It was only 5 p.m. She’s not starting dinner now... right? Didn’t Neeley know I was recording?

“Fuck.” I muted my mic and asked Janine to hold on. Then I marched into the kitchen and... well, I lost my shit. Loudly.

I don’t remember exactly what I said. But it wasn’t my finest moment. I was frustrated, overstimulated, and on edge. And I let it all land on someone I love deeply.

When I came back to the recording, flustered and ashamed, I picked up the conversation about coping and it hit me. I’m still a work in progress.

I’ve spent years learning better ways to manage my emotions, to soften in the hard moments, to extend grace. But I didn’t use any of those tools that night. And Neeley? She was coping too. Cooking is her outlet. She knew I was recording, but she was overwhelmed and needed to do something. To move. To make something. To anchor herself.

We were both coping, just in different ways.

And when it comes to grief, especially this kind of grief - the grief of a child gone too soon - there’s no neat, tidy way through it. It doesn’t ask permission. It doesn’t follow a schedule. It creeps in and takes up space whether you invite it or not. As I type this at 3 a.m. on July 15th, I know we still have four days before the 19th hits us. The 10-year anniversary. A full decade since we lost Halle.

It still hits like a ton of bricks.

And this year, I’m learning that coping isn’t just about surviving. Sometimes, coping means making room for people to grieve in their own way. Sometimes, it means losing your temper and then apologizing. Sometimes, it means whispering a warning hug at the door. And sometimes, it just means remembering to breathe.

But more than anything, this year, I’ve learned that coping means grace. Not just for others, but for myself. The kind of grace that softens the hard edges.The kind of grace that lets you begin again at 3 a.m.The kind of grace that was stitched into Halle’s name from the very beginning.

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Strength Happens Episode 3: Coping, Caffeine, Repeat -- Coming July 23rd